11 Things I Wish I Could Set As My OUT-OF-OFFICE Reply, But Can't Cos I Might Get A Date With HR.

1) Bye Felicia 

2) My inbox is already filled with your BS, that I'm never going to respond to...

3) My people will contact you, from the other side...

4) This person REALLY doesn't care

5) Sorry this gave you false hope of a swift & enthusiastic reply

6) LOL, k, cool x

7) If I've not responded in 24 hrs I've kidnapped myself and gone here:

8) The person you're trying to reach is currently not giving two sh*t$

9) "Does not choose to accept this mission"

10) Monkey on a car!

11) 

The One With The 25 Things About Turning 25 in 20 Days

This year has been hard. I've had more meltdowns, breakdowns and spontaneously bursting into tears than all my 24 years and 11 months combined. Right at the beginning of the year tragedy struck our family as I lost one of my closest cousins. Life has never been the same since. Then 3 months ago I lost one of my first furry friends, Koda and once again life was seemingly punching me harder than a Rousey-knockout. If these losses have taught me anything it's to love with all you have to give, don't half-arse anything and most importantly, regret sucks.

Note to be completely morbid this post also serves as a sort of declaration. I refuse to "die at 25 and only be buried at 75". There's so much more to see, to be and to do, and I'm still waiting for the real "quarter-life-crisis"to hit me. Let's hope it's not the same as the "Freshman 15" that hit me with an extra 20kg in 3 years. And even if there's no grand epiphany that's okay too, I will take this next part of the journey and enjoy the ride... and then there's these other 20-odd things that go with 25 to deal with...

1)   Stop asking when I’m getting married; all you’re getting is an eye-roll & you’re not invited – family or not.

2)      Stop asking when I’m having a baby; again *insert above reaction*.

3)      I might live at home; but bills & laundry are still a part of my life.

4)I’m nowhere near as mature as I thought I’d be at 25. I remember how “old” 25 seemed 15 years ago.

5)  But I can’t be in the company of 18 year olds too long before I have no idea what they are talking about?! (Since when was doe anything but a female deer??)

6)  Mom will always, always be your biggest fan; but she’ll never stop wanting to smack your sarcastic butt.

7)  I’m now listening to radio stations I complained about 5 years ago. (CapeTalk is sooo informative!)

8)      Everyone around me is attending atleast 2-7 weddings between September & March.

9)      Or a babyshower.

10)I’m magically expected to qualify for a bond on an atrocious salary, have enough to retire at 55 AND “benefits” don’t mean the same as when you’re 19.

11)   Interns are in better positions after 3 months than I was after a year internship.

12)   Hangovers need formal sick leave of 2 days minimal.

13)   But hey, I love myself a lot more now that I’m pretty sure I’m awesome; so self-esteem has improved!

14)   The value of true friends and genuine family far outweighs the need to constantly be meeting new “acquaintances”.

15)   You “let go” a lot sooner; disappoints, upsets, grudges don’t mean that much anymore.

16)   You appreciate “alone” time.

17)   Tiredness really does become part of your personality.

18)   Still. You’re only 25, so you KNOW life has so much more to offer.

19)   Your parents are so much cooler now than they were 10 years ago.

20)   You know when to discard of things that no longer make you happy.

21)   If you can, let your passion drive your career choice, rather than titles and status.

22)   You wish you could just lie in the sun the way your dog does in the ultimate feeling of content.

23)   You wish you thought about doing medicine, rather than the BA, just on Tuesdays though.

24)   Friends has new meaning once you’ve watched season 5 for the 8^th time. In bed, with a bowl of Nutella.

25)   That “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” question makes you realise you’ll be 30. 30. 30!!!

5 Reasons to Clear Your Dating Browser History & Burn Your X-Box

You know how they say "don't take dating advice from someone who is single"? It's not particularly true. My grandmother has been divorced for 47 years and along with her "your thighs hey," she does give some good titbits in the relationship department too.

She's not only the one who taught me about the birds and the bees before I could spell my own name but also warned that occasional one night stands could end up in 4 kids and a divorce. Aided by her immaculate story-telling abilities she shaped everything I knew about relationships before I was 12. Not to mention the revenge plots. A particular gem is my grandfather coming home from a 4-month whaling expedition to find his "x-box" (a treasure trove of pictures, photographs and love letters from uhm, "pen-pals") in a pile of ash in the yard.

Lesson? Always start a new game on a new memory card. Take the time to re-set, restore, clean, erase, delete, and where necessary BLOCK any fragments of the past that might come back to bite you on the butt. I'm not saying hide your past, it's just not ideal to have it hanging in your 2 month browser history when you're trying to convince the world your third "love of your life" is "THE one". The comments section on the last couple shoot hasn't even ended yet. Uhm, Awkward.

In our overly digitally saturated world it's hard to not come across something online of your ex, and it always remains at the end of a relationship what do you do with all the traces of them in your life? It's not as simple as packing stuffed animals and unused candles and gifts in a box and re-gifting it to the dirt man, if you don't give it back to said ex that is.

1) Delete all the old emails, skype messages, etc etc. It's easier to drop the "Hi, how are you?" when there's still a reply option.

2) Untag yourself in ALL Facebook pictures with them, even the group photos. Sure it's probably some good memories too, but if you truly want a clean slate it's not worth the nostalgia.

3) Depending on the circumstances of the break-up it's not always necessary to unfriend them completely... sometimes it's as simple as you just don't feel anything for them, and that's quite okay.
However, if there's a possibility of a stalker it's always a good idea to get rid of their access to your life.

4) Let's face it, we do these clean ups to not fend off any new potentials. The amount of times I've had to tell my friends "I'm sure it's his sister / cousin / weird young aunt" is preposterous. Why are men so lazy to clean out their exes?! It's like going into an interview with your old company's branded logo t-shirt.

5) Besides all the online stuff, get rid of any actual printed photos. Matric ball ones are possibly the most difficult to undo, so rather go alone!

An Ode to Koda

You were never "just a dog", there's simply no such thing. You were my baby brother, my big brother and even my crazy cousin at times.

Holding you in your first moments and holding you in your last moments made my chest swell with emotions I never thought I was capable of. I can't even begin to describe the hole I have in my heart. Watching Lola wait for you to never come home is heartbreaking and I wish with every fibre of my being that we could have saved you. You were meant to live forever.

You were never just a dog. Even when you did your dog things like chew through 3 pairs of my slippers and a particularly hideous pair of pumps or two (thank you). Let's not even mention those soft toys you thought were a danger to your territory. I'm going to miss having you stick your head in the grocery bags in search of cheese and oreo biscuits. We still wonder how you managed to open the packaging with such precision.

I'm going to miss your eyes. Your two eyes. Those eyes that looked like they knew exactly what I was feeling. They knew when I needed a lick or just a paw on my knee. You knew how to make friends wherever you went, pawed your way into people's hearts and never took no for an answer.

I remember lying with you dozing in the grass on sunny, lazy days and wishing I could pause time. I'd give anything for one more of those days.

You were never just a dog. You loved posing for pictures and making people laugh. You were such a good boy and even better when you were naughty. Switching on lights in the garage when I was alone at home and weary, just to let me know I wasn't really alone. Opening doors when you wanted to be part of the conversation or just to say "Hey, here I am". Being the instigator in sausage heists - don't worry, you've taught Lola well.

I watched you when you came home from your last adventure. Your hips were troubling you, your legs a little more tired, your eyes filled with some kind of sorrow. I wish I was able to know what you wanted to tell us.

You were never just a dog. You were one of the best friends we never knew we needed. You gave us 7 years of memories. 7 years of unconditional love. You will never be forgotten Koda Bear. We will love you forever.

Make sure to find Chad wherever you are. Get up to mischief and I hope that there's lots of cheese and biscuits, maybe some tuna too. Thank you for loving us. Watch over us Koda- 2 eyes- Josias <3 <3